Dear Coach Linda,
I’ve been doing personal and spiritual growth work for really long time. I am passionate about self-awareness and evolution and I’ve taken every workshop and read every book there is about love and relationships. I have a lot of friends and a career I like. But everywhere I look I find rude men who have done no inner work. I’m frustrated that, after so much looking, I still can’t find the one for me. I feel left out of an important part of life and now, I feel there is little hope of finding anyone to share my life with. I’m afraid of being alone forever. What should I do?
Christie, I congratulate you for pursuing a path of personal and spiritual growth. I feel your passion regarding self-awareness and your evolutionary journey.
It does seem like a paradox: you work diligently on “self-actualization”, to come to a sense of inner peace and harmony … and then look around to find not many other people have done the same. I read the other day that on average, more women tend to have a heightened relational and emotional maturity level that serves as an advantageous gateway to higher consciousness. (This doesn’t mean that all men don’t have emotional maturity – I know many who do.) I also read that women also tend to have more synapses linking to the limbic areas (the emotional center) of the brain, which makes us more likely to engage in self-exploration and reflection. Again, this doesn’t mean that all men don’t self-reflect or work on their inner game – I know a number of men who do.
What I’m trying to say is: you may find your continuous frustration is shared by many evolutionaries.
But the thing is, don’t give up. The journey toward an extraordinary relationship is like a quest for the holy Grail. Which means it isn’t always a walk in the park. And also, let’s take some time to fully explore what you’re facing and to see if you may be falling into some traps. We all have become so adept at our own subterfuge that even those who have the most ardent spiritual practices can fall into them. Think about this:
> Become more aware of subconscious beliefs that you may still unwittingly be carrying around (i.e, en are only interested in sex … or Dating is hard … ) or the reverse: Perhaps you believe that finding true love should just fall into your lap. Nothing could be further from the truth. It takes work to find special love, and work to keep it.
> Are you thinking in black or white? There are many choices other than your black-and-white options of “that special someone” or “stay single and alone”. Why not have several special someones and enjoy life until Mister Ultimately Special shows up? Also, how can you be more open? In dating less-than-hyper-evolved men, perhaps you are being called to assist a very special man to help access a very difficult area of consciousness that only a very special female can.
> Where are you looking? In terms of meeting a special someone, I would urge you to think outside your comfort zone. I agree with you that bars and online dating online can be tricky. What are your top three priorities by which you invest in yourself or define your life? Is a vegan lifestyle important to you? Are your children or your pets the center of your world? How about your faith? Is the environment a priority to you? Health? Art/Culture? Politics? Start with a point of commonality to find like-minded partners.
Are the events you are attending worthwhile? Attend events at which the type of man you are interested frequents. How is your presence (i.e. nonverbal signals) when you are hanging out? You have to be open and receptive for someone to approach. Otherwise, it’s just a night out with friends (again).
Lastly, network, network, network. Sixty-three percent of happily married couples say they found their spouse through a friend (whereas only about 9% said they found their partner in a bar).
> Take a look at that fear. Often we attract what we think about most of the time, so if you’re constantly focusing on your fear of being alone, you’ll consistently be alone. And while you’re at it, take an honest look at what you’re putting out there. Even a hint of desperation or urgency could be a deterrent. Make sure you’re not wearing your frustration on your sleeve.
> Are you falling into that “He must be perfect already” trap? You mention the men you date are not a match. As long as you gauge this accurately, and base this on your top 5-6 relationship requirements so you know without doubt that you are not prepared to settle for less than you deserve, I don’t see there is anything wrong with this. I support you for taking this approach. Why would you continue to date someone if you already know it wouldn’t work out? However, if you’re measuring up potential partners against this long laundry list of personality traits, accomplishments and so on, you’re being too picky. Or perhaps you’re waiting for your own personal Buddha to arrive at your door step. As humans we are on an evolutionary journey – no one is perfect here – and this might be a good time to practice some basic Buddhist meditations around loving-kindness. Here’s a link to a simple teaching guide that I found to be very helpful: HERE
Remember, we don’t “find” our soulmate, we co-create our partnership through an equal exchange of energy, knowledge, compassion, empathy, and communication. It’s true that you may be farther along in your journey; however perhaps you can evaluate people on their willingness to learn and connect with you in the process. You may be surprised at what you learn from him in another area. We are all students, we are all givers, and we are all receivers.
PS ~ stay tuned for a more in-depth article on how to attract “high vibrational” or “conscious” or “evolved” potential partners. You’ll love this one!